The Anti Terror Toilet:  Coming soon to an airport near you.

The latest in discreet, non-invasive technologies developed for “The War Against Terror!” otherwise known as “TWAT”.

From top to bottom:

  • High def, infrared  cameras will catch any inkling of nervousness: an indicator of terrorist intentions;
  • Cameras convert to full body scanning x-ray devices at the press of a button.  Mild sunburn like effects can occur and testicle circumference has been independently verified to be reduced by approximately 0.05mm/scan;
  • Ear wax collection:  provision of less than sufficient samples indicate ear scratching, linked scientifically to anxiety an obvious indicator of a potential terror suspect;
  • Graffiti zone has been provided for any toilet occupant to wholeheartedly utilise.  Any graffiti provided will be scientifically analysed by a team of psychiatrists and compared to daily tea leaf readings, resulting in a Toilet Occupant Terror rating ranging from that of ‘Suspect’ (the lowest rating) to that of ‘Imminent Threat to the Planet’ (the highest rating);
  • Finger print rendering toilet paper:  handy for data collection, but has yet to satisfactorily remove fecal matter;
  • Underpants explosive residue analysis:  because as we all know terrorists enjoy carrying bombs in their underpants.  Please note:  excessive flatulence can render false positives.  Footwear analysis is also installed because those sneaky buggers also love slipping explosives into their shoes;
  • Knee jiggle analysis; more than 100 jiggles per minute has been conclusively linked in scientific modelling literature to issues of malcontent;
  • Literature bar code scan to be used in any way possible as evidence against the toilet goer.  Bibles and Sunday school lecture notes are examples of highly seditious reading matter;
  • Fecal and urological analysis:  checks for adequate amounts of GMO food in the occupant’s diet.  Occupants recording low traces of GMO food will automatically registered as suspect and sent to a re-education course.
  • If occupant is deemed to be a threat, the entire unit can be detached from airport structure as a self contained holding cell simply by latching said unit by its roof onto a helicopter.  The cubicle and analysis area below, containing all evidence, can then be simply dumped into the sea and entirely forgotten about.


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