The Anti Terror Toilet: Coming soon to an airport near you.
The latest in discreet, non-invasive technologies developed for “The War Against Terror!” otherwise known as “TWAT”.
From top to bottom:
- High def, infrared cameras will catch any inkling of nervousness: an indicator of terrorist intentions;
- Cameras convert to full body scanning x-ray devices at the press of a button. Mild sunburn like effects can occur and testicle circumference has been independently verified to be reduced by approximately 0.05mm/scan;
- Ear wax collection: provision of less than sufficient samples indicate ear scratching, linked scientifically to anxiety an obvious indicator of a potential terror suspect;
- Graffiti zone has been provided for any toilet occupant to wholeheartedly utilise. Any graffiti provided will be scientifically analysed by a team of psychiatrists and compared to daily tea leaf readings, resulting in a Toilet Occupant Terror rating ranging from that of ‘Suspect’ (the lowest rating) to that of ‘Imminent Threat to the Planet’ (the highest rating);
- Finger print rendering toilet paper: handy for data collection, but has yet to satisfactorily remove fecal matter;
- Underpants explosive residue analysis: because as we all know terrorists enjoy carrying bombs in their underpants. Please note: excessive flatulence can render false positives. Footwear analysis is also installed because those sneaky buggers also love slipping explosives into their shoes;
- Knee jiggle analysis; more than 100 jiggles per minute has been conclusively linked in scientific modelling literature to issues of malcontent;
- Literature bar code scan to be used in any way possible as evidence against the toilet goer. Bibles and Sunday school lecture notes are examples of highly seditious reading matter;
- Fecal and urological analysis: checks for adequate amounts of GMO food in the occupant’s diet. Occupants recording low traces of GMO food will automatically registered as suspect and sent to a re-education course.
- If occupant is deemed to be a threat, the entire unit can be detached from airport structure as a self contained holding cell simply by latching said unit by its roof onto a helicopter. The cubicle and analysis area below, containing all evidence, can then be simply dumped into the sea and entirely forgotten about.